Long distance caregiving

Linda's parents live in Chicago, and she feels the need to participate in their care. She is especially fond of her mother and feels strongly about spending time with her. She frequently travels to Chicago to visit them. Her mother had a massive stroke 7 years ago, and has had multiple medical problems since then. She is also showing some dementia. Linda does not have a good relationship with her father. He has been diagnosed with Alzheimers and she worries that he is still driving and is probably not safe. Linda is conflicted about whether or not she should move to Chicago to help with her parent's care. though she has been told by multiple people that that would probably be a mistake. She has several siblings living in the Chicago area, and feels they don't take seriously the care of her parents, especially her mother. The parents do have a live in caregiver, but Linda is not sure she is doing as much as she could.

Hi Linda:

Long distance caregiving is a challenge many people face.  This painful fact is why care consultants and managers exist.  They are there to step in for adult children who simply cannot be present full-time.  A care consultant would complete an assessment of your parent's needs and make sound recommendations based on the results as well as oversee the care and caregivers to ensure approaches are appropriately delivered if needed.  In the short term if you have concerns you could contract with a consultant to do a one time visit to assess and report back to you regarding the care being presently delivered just to give you peace of mind until you make a decision with regarding to moving closer.

Moving closer to a loved one is a personal decision and one only you can make.  So, your options as I see them right now are:

1)  Move closer to your parents and oversee the care.

2)  Hire a care consultant to do a one-time assessment so that you know who is caring for your parents and what care is received.

3)  Hire a care consultant to complete an assessment, write a care plan and oversee the care.  You can go on http://www.caremanager.org/ to find a care manager in the Chicago area.  The website will also give you a great overview of what to expect from a care manager.

4)  Ask you siblings to step up to the plate.

Good Luck, Linda.  Donna Brumbaugh, American Elder Advocates

Linda, it sounds like it might be useful to organize a family meeting to clarify exactly what the needs are, how they are currently being met and how they could be addressed more effectively.  I would like to suggest that a professional care consultant could conduct the assessment and then meet with the entire family to help you all sort out your various roles and commitments.  This can be very useful in pulling the family together onto the same page.  It may turn out that you, as a long distance caregiver, can provide valuable support and assistance to your siblings which would allow them to provide more direct care without feeling overwhelmed.Bonnie Shetler, Ph.D.Licensed Psychologist

Linda

Beyond what has been written, I am also wondering who are the decision makers for your parents.  Is your mother still able to make her own medical decisions.  In some families when the parents name the person who will be their Medical Power of Attorney, tasks get organized around that.  also some families have one person take on the financial role while another takes on the medical role.  When you consider moving back home, have you thought about what more you would actually do, than what you are currently doing?  Is your mother being neglected in terms of her health, safety, and well being?  Another area to explore more is your father's "possible Alzheimer".  Again someone who is there can assess what is going on for your father and what steps your whole family may need to take in the future.Good luck, hang in there.Kirsten HartmanSeniors in Transition