My mother wants to go from Assisted to Independent Living...

I would really appreciate some help and guidance with this issue. Sorry in advance - the history is a little long....

My mother is disabled due to extensive spinal surgeries coupled with degenerative joint disease. As a result, she is in a wheelchair, unable to walk more than a step or two (just to transfer from wheelchair to bed, for example), and she has a permanent foley catheter. She can manage dressing and bathing on her own, as the facility is designed for wheelchair accessibility. She is in her early 60s and is extremely frustrated at being in an ALF at a relatively young age. However, her memory is terrible and she can't function without keeping extensive lists to remind herself of key appointments, things to remember etc (not like alzheimers, just bad recall).  She recently forgot that she had signed an important financial document and was threatening a lawsuit against the other party until I did the research and told her she had agreed to the situation. She has a pension that pays for a really nice place and great health insurance. She's been in an ALF for 3 years.

In addition - she has a history of prescription drug abuse when she was living in an independent living facility - she was unable to care for herself or her cats, and ended up almost overdosing on more than one occasion. She ended up having to euthanize her 3 cats because she couldn't cope. Currently she is on some serious narcotics - formerly oxycontin and methadone, now fentanyl patch and lortab, along with klonopin, neurontin and other sedative-type drugs for muscle relaxers, depression, anxiety etc. She has manic tendencies and goes through bouts of being really up (staying up all night rearranging her shelves or reading) followed by long periods of crashing (staying in bed and sleeping all the time). Her heavy narcotic use amplifies this - she is at times unable to be awakened. When she first moved into the ALF (following surgery) she controlled her own meds and was sent to the ER for overdosing on methadone. She also messed up her coumadin which can be fatal. Her doctor then ordered that the ALF distribute her meds.

Two times in the past 2 years she has been hit with BAD pneumonia - the first time she also had an MRSA abscess in her lung. Last week, the staff sent her to the ER after discovering her with a pulse over 260, blood ox at 78% and a temp of 95-96 (all signs of sepsis). The EMTs told me that her blood sugar level was at 20 - close to the point of coma. She was just released from the hospital after a 6-day stay for the pneumonia.  Both times, she resisted the idea of going to the hospital - it was only at the insistence of the staff that she went. Had she not, she would most likely have been dead the first time around - and for sure this last time. She can be incredibly sweet...or incredibly rage filled and manipulative.

Ok, sorry for all this background. Now the issue is that she is INCREDIBLY resentful of being dependent on the staff at ALF. She wants to go back to an independent living place. She wants to get her car equipped with hand controls. She wants to get a cat. She wants me to take her out to look at new places. Clearly, that's insane. She can't live on her own without endangering her life. There are a hundred good reasons why that is a terrible idea. Every time I try to talk with her gently she sneers at me like I am a patronizing idiot. I refuse to participate in what I think would be tantamount to suicide, but she gets furious at me and tells me I'm judging her and have no idea what she is capable of and that I need to trust her to know her limitations better than I do. I love her and it breaks my heart to know how miserable she is. I want to be empathetic but she won't take no for an answer. This is threatening to become world war 3 in our relationship. My husband and other family members (all of whom she has managed to piss off and disrespect over the years) have told me I need to just be blunt and tell her if she wants to do that, go ahead but I'm washing my hands of her. I'm all she has (no siblings, no spouse, no real friends here). I don't want to lose our relationship, but I also don't want to lose her altogether if she goes back to trying to live on her own. I need some help to walk this razor wire. Should I let her do it on her own (without my help) or try to intervene to keep her where she is?

Thanks for reading all this

Stellazz

Previously stellazz wrote:

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